DISSAPOINTED & SAD... BUT GIVETH THANKS

 I really dont know what to think of disney and of counseling. 

DISNEY, 12 YEARS UNDER THE BRIDGE

The being able to keep going with Disney is a dead end road. It took the meeting with the HR rep to see that it is real, there is nothing else for me there. My interests have shifted so much... I am not longer corporate bitch, or tech bitch... I am still corporate in terms of how I love the structural business life, but I am not for a soulless job. The shift to human services is real. I see hours ding nothing and just getting paid as wasted life. I am strongly considering, and waiting, on this government job that has a job description that I think says my name. I dont even want to counsel anyone... I want to offer direction and solutions. I just don't know if afterwards when I am actually in the cubicle will I still feel this way... 

PBS

I have odouble feelings about counseling, especially with the more notes, ongoing investing of time and unreliable turnover. I feel it is a job that i sleisure and for sport. I don't know if this will be sustainable if rules tighten and I cant comply... I will do my best, try my best. I cant leave Disney until I have the letter from HOPE, and then... then I have to evaluate if the 20 hours that I am required are actually doable for me. I feel tired and trapped. I'm trying to push for the license... I need it to get the TFCBT certification. I just dont know...

HOPE

I get this call after manifesting fo rit, and then I get the cold feet because of big changes and complicating my life... But I need to get out of being here in the house. I feel completely invisible in every way. I am so sad... and feel so lonely. How can I even try making friends being within 4 walls? Life has passed me by, and I still have not done something important for Deedee, or for me.

WHAT's UP

I have no idea... I will keep pushing but... need to tighten up the focus.

-Study for the test

-Take the test

-Complete the hours

-Submit to be licensed

-Submit for TFCBT Certification

These are all key to go on. I know someday I will look back and laugh as it all went so quick... like completing the Master in MHC. Oh, but the process...

I feel no connection with M or K. I feel I just live here. I feel I just should take a plane and go home. But then what. I have nothing/noone left there. I will just be alone, blind and rotten in the house. Everything is so uncertain over there, with the war making us targets. All is uncertain.

In the meanwhile... here I am in this place I dislake, feeling displaced, undervalued, unappreciated and lonely...I know my worth, but what is the point when I am constantly stepped over...

GIVETH THANKS

I give thanks to God for my awesome upbringing. I had no idea that in fact it was perfect.

I give thanks for Gladys and Willie.

I give thanks for Deedee and Sti.

I give thanks for Edni, and for her not being in pain anymore.

I give thanks for M, whom I clash with all the time but whom I know loves me in his own weird way. 

I give thanks for the other daughter, with whom I share nothing but whom I love with all my heart.

I give thanks for the houses. They bring possibilities.

I give thanks for the people who still remembers me somehow... I honestly don't know who by now... but they are out there cheering me on in their own psychic way.

I thank you God for every challenge who has shaped me into someone better than the 17 year old brat who thougt she knew anything about life. I knew nothing. 

God, bless me with tools to be my best, to help others and to keep growing.

Amen.